Expressing Negativities

I’m innocent and naive.

Thought of pouring all my negativities here would make my life better or at least not that bad. What’s even worse is that nobody comes to this blog and comment or at least advise me what to do to heal me.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i’ll be less worried the next day.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i’ll be stronger the next day.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i will not go through the whole process the next day.

I thought if i chant mantra, i’ll have smoother day.

How naive me to think about that.

I’ll be god-fearing. I’ll chant mantra. I’ll move on. I’ll be happy. I deserve to be happy!

Yar, emo right now. And i had dinner alone again. Wasn’t quite bad after all. Just that i keep on waiting for them and all i get is being rejected. That feeling of waiting so long and you didn’t get anything in the end is so disappointing. I think i kinda disappointed with them. Sometimes i don’t even know what to do. I have been thinking this non-stop - if i buy take out, then what happen if they ajak me? Should i go? If i don’t go, they won’t ask me again. But if i go, how about my take out?

I want to stop worrying but i just can’t help to think of it. it’s like a routine to me when dinnertime. In the day, i didn’t think about it. When class over, i’ll be worrying if i have anyone to eat dinner with? I’ll be waiting for the text. I’ll be praying and hoping they will text me for dinner. Although sometimes i try to be positive telling myself that they will accompany me for dinner. But reality is too harsh for me to face. I always left disappointed and alone.

Is it retribution? Is it he taking revenge? That’s all what i’ll think when they didn’t ajak me. They said they busy with their work, so no dinner with me. They still need to eat, wat. Can’t they just call me out? As if they are busy, they not going to eat at all? It’s obvious that they trying to abandon me or wat. See i’ll start blaming myself. Blaming why i treat sow so badly last time? And now he’s back for revenge!!

Maybe they are not up to it lah. Just that my naughty brain thinks too much. Think towards the negative side. I’ll sure go crazy if this continues. I’ll be depressed. And the next thing i know is i will have to consult a shrink. For example, just now, i try to laugh to divert my attention from that text. I try to make myself happy by thinking sweet and funny thing. I know it’s crazy. But to think again, i deserve to be happy!! Why should i be sad if i have no one to accompany me? I can still be happy alone. Many people, including me, will say alone is equals to sad. I don’t think that way. I won’t be happy even though i’m accompanied with many people. Because those people are people i don’t like or comfortable to be with.

I think for the rest of my semesters in here, i’ll be eating alone and i should be learning and mastering it now. Or may be i should be learning how to live alone.... i’ll be pouring my negativities here despite no readers. Even though i won’t feel better or stop worrying, i’ll just continue writing. Continuing writing emo posts till the not-so-emo days come back to me again... besides if i don’t rant here, i don’t have anyone else to talk to. Definitely not going to talk this to my parents; i don’t want them to worry though they will not care me.

Sneaking Others Room

I wasn’t really sneaking people’s room. That room was left unlocked and i just open the door. I guess the previous resident didn’t lock the door.

Went to enrol in noon today.

Yesterday i was so worried about what timetable i’m going to get. Before went to enrol, i went to Guan Yin Ting to pray since today is full moon. At prayed to Kuan Yin that my studies in next semester is smoothly and beg for advice to how to solve all my problems in my heart.

I reached inti. Waited for my turn. Oh yar i even saw my ex classmate waiting there. Filling some blanks, and got the timetable. Gosh, the Monday timetable is superb. Then next i see Tuesday. Lab again and some management subject. Ok, i made my mind. I will resume class 2 days later. I not going the first 2 days.

In that case, i only need to survive for 2 nights instead of 4! Relieve, i was. Thank god the timetable is my liking. Oh wait, what?! Friday’s class ends at 6 pm? Oh no!! Nevermind i will wash my classmates’ mind and ask them to bring forward to afternoon class given that lecturer is free.

After that i collected my keys and went to my room. Dirty and dusty!! My dad was good enough to sweep the floor for me. He even wanted to mop the floor but i stopped him. I’ll mop when i go back there next week.

Suddenly my curiosity strikes me. Since i know my neighbour (no. 49) not staying that room anymore, i open the door of his room, out of sudden. The door wasn’t lock. I look look lah as i always want to spy on others room.

My sixth sense told me to try room no. 52 which is HIS room. The door was unlocked. Finally i got to see the room which Anthony Sandstorm stayed before even though it was past. Anyway, at least i entered his previous room. And his room has no different with mine. Just that the room was occupied by HIM. So, i wasn’t sneaking or spying or whatsoever!!

Later in the evening i went JJ alone. Quite funny shopping grocery alone. Bought a lot of things and later before leaving, i bought iced latté! Finally got my cup of it.

After all, today is quite ok-ok day. Maybe because i went to pray. I have been skipping my time to go to temple. Maybe it’s the reason why i worried this and that lately...

2008/2009

Based on what Lillian Too predicted for me on 2008 and 2009, i should be having ok-ok year. If not, should be fabulous year. My zodiac is snake and according to Flying Star Feng Shui, #9 and #8 fly to my snake sector which is SE3. So, i should be having good good years. So yeah, 2008 is a bit better compare to 2007 (2007 is a disastrous to me) and 2009 is a good year. 2008 is like recuperating year after deadly 2007 - nothing very good happen and nothing very bad happen. 2009 is enjoying the good year and i have to say, it is good one after 2006. I can tell you i don’t have a good time after 2006, which i was form 5. So that means, i don’t have good times after secondary school. I was and still stuck in 2006. No matter how bad years in secondary school, i will still be laughing around and playing around cause i got really great friends at that time.

I am going to write about what i had encountered from 2008 to now, 2009. One word to sum up 2008/2009 is exploration.

Yes, i am like a sailor or like Laksamana Cheng Ho in old days exploring what’s the real me. What’s the essence of me. And fortunately the product i got is fruitful. I explored a lot and i gain a lot too. Thankfully i am strong enough to accept myself wholly and gracefully. And i am proud of myself and not fearing what i have explored.

What i mentioned above is my sexual orientation. Thinking back, i was gay for long long years already; just that i don’t it is gay thingy. As far as i can remember, i surf gay porn website in my lower secondary school or so. The only thing i can think of is incest gay porn website – adult men f***king young boys. At that time i was shock and couldn’t believe there is such thing on earth! Then somehow i moved to Sean Cody website and i am still downloading their movies or rather porn.

It sounds so funny after being gay for almost 5 years, i just realised i’m gay last year? Haha. Well, i didn’t know or think i am gay back then. Maybe i’m just ignorant or just don’t have any idea of gay. After reading gay first ever gay blog in October 2008, i found out myself is gay. By the way that first ever blog is Robb’s. Oh shit, whatever i did back then was gay!! Fine. I didn’t bang my head to the wall or kneeing down crying asking God why am i gay?? So dramatic. I accept the fact or maybe i accepted the fact long time ago.

Seriously i didn’t shock on what happen on me. Instead, i enjoyed. I enjoyed looking those sexy, cute male models. Got a hard on down there. Maybe i already accepted myself gay. Just that i didn’t think about that. Not forgetting gay porn blog. Loses my seeds after knowing that website.

The reason that makes me thought i’m gay is after reading those gay blog. I was gayer than when in secondary school. After reading those blogs, i realise the same thing happen on those gay blogger do happen on me making me a gay like them. Some of them are openly gay while some just in the closet.

When i read their lovey-dovey stories about the blogger and his bf, i feel warmed and touched. Somehow or rather gay couples are more sweet or romantic than straight couples. I would hug my pillow while reading their stories. Occasionally i would image i having bf and the imagination gone wild and wilder till now i never image myself with gf. I used to imagine how nice i having gf. But now i never imagine or even thought of gf! It’s like pain in my ass thinking gf.

I love reading gay blog actually. I hardly find straight blog la. I wonder if the straight blogger would write better than the gays? The blogs that i love most is nase’s blog. He writes beautifully and the content always gives me a smile on my face. I love it!

From reading blogs, i got to know the blogger’s life as a gay. It’s strange that they are leading to a normal and healthy live though they are not normal as other homophobic labelled them. Yah you may say: so gross seeing 2 guys having anal sex. But hey, you think straight guy don’t f**k girl in her asshole? No! There are porn showing straight guy having anal sex with girl. So now don’t you think it’s gross? That girl will also having the feeling to shit like the gays. Is it like slapping yourself? You say gay anal sex gross, but you didn’t think straight guy anal sex girl gross? You enjoy it!

So now i know there are some people like me living happily out there. Gosh, you that feeling of founding someone has the same happening like you is so delight. So i am normal. Yeah!!

In 2009, which i moved to university, i attracted or fell in love with someone looks like Anthony Sandstorm. Hardly fell in love la. Just that i see him, he see me that kind of thing lo. How nice he’s my classmates. How nice in next semester i got a new classmate is bent. Plus, if he is single and ready to mingle and we are fond to each other... stop dreaming scotty!! Besides him, i don’t see any other gay or possible candidates in my uni. So straight uni.

With one year plus of reading gay blog anonymously, i did leave some footprint on their blog by commenting. I will not reveal myself until i’m ready for it. Indeed, 2008/2009 is an adventurous and exploration year for me. I got to know myself better than never. I anticipating 2010 cause my instinct tells me it’s going to be a good year though aunt Lillian might want to object it.

p.s. there is still a small chance i might turn straight cause i am not fully 100% gay as i don’t have sex with guys nor gay friends. But i want a bf more that gf. That makes me gay kua....

Familiar Faces

I remember once my teacher said before there are seven similar faces people in this world. Then, i don’t know where i heard this: if all seven similar faces meet together something bad will happen. I wonder if that’s true.

Last time when i’m form 1, i had two teachers, one from school and one from Mr Qua’s tuition class, who are very lookalike teaching me. Say it coincident, their surname is also the same – Ms. Wong!! Immediately I thought they might be sisters!! I was not the only person who thought that way but my other friends agreed with me too. One day we went up to my tuition teacher and clarified our doubts. Well, they neither sisters nor cousins. Not even have any blood relationship or whatsoever. If i were to rate their similarities, it will be 7 out of 10.

Recently i found someone, a model, looks very similar with HIM or H52. The source was from one of the blogs that i visit frequently for my you-know-what activities. The moment i saw the pictures (model), i was shocked!! I will rate the similarities 9.9 out of 10!! Looking at the pictures, i thought it was H52!!

A brief introduction about the model. His name is Anthony Sandstorm or also known as Tony. He’s a Canadian. He started his career with DJ-ing and modelling. He took these pictures when working for Grace Magazine. These pictures were taken 10 years ago!! But to me they don’t look like 10 years ago pictures. Again, he looks very very similar with H52.

Let me analyse the model with H52.

What makes the H52 to be similar with Tony is he(H52) has similar or the same face features - the long and thin face feature. I somehow quite like their face features!! Oh wait i like H52 or his face feature first? Haha...

H52 has the similar hairstyle with Tony too. The hairstyle that i like. A down-to-earth hairstyle. Haha.. Newest hairstyle!! it's simple as it is. You don't need to have fancy hairstyle to be in the centre of attention. All you need is to have a simple hairstyle so that it won't overshine your other part of your beauty. Tony has nice bod and simple hair is enough to make him special. Likewise, H52 has muscle and with the simple hair, he is special to me...

Tony’s more to meaty type while H52 is lean. Both of them have muscle. So jealous. Haiz. But i like Tony’s body rather than H52. Maybe years late H52 will have the similar meaty muscular??

Ever since the last day i met him, i didn’t meet him anymore. So sad, no yuan. Luckily got these pictures to quench my thirst. Wahaha... i do miss him.. CUT IT OUT!! What’s gone is gone!! If i am not wrong, i will not see him at inti anymore. Hopefully we might meet in the future and...

Tony is so similar to H52 when smiling..








Tony's so sweet. Melts my heart too..
























Is he sexy??

last but not least, the picture that i love most...

p.s: There are some nude picture of Tony but i will not post them here. I want to keep this place clean... instead, i post them at another blog.