I somehow hate changes in my life. I still remember last time in college, i stood by my principle – not to change. You know, there is a transition from school to college. From school students to college students. Freedom was given in college compared to in school times. I have seen many of my schoolmates changed, physically and mentally, after attending college.
Changes can be good and bad. To me changes are more towards the bad side. The point is i scare of changes. Really scare of changes. I scare i change to someone that i, myself, don’t even know who i am. I scare i don’t know where i come from. I scare i don’t know what’s the true me.
Because i scare to change, when i was in college, i wasn’t close with anyone of my classmates. At that time, i always join my schoolmates’ friends. Hence, i am closer with friends’ friends, rather than my own classmates. I talked so much around my friends but when comes to my classmates, i talked lesser or i didn’t say a word.
Maybe it’s due to my low self-esteem? My self-esteem still low till right now. I was avoiding them and had no communication with them at all. I know nothing about them so do they.
However, i recently found out myself had change a little bit. I now fancy about Western singers and i don’t listen to any Chinese songs anymore. I have no interest in Chinese songs and i find them quite boring. See, i changed to someone that i don’t like what i used to love so much last time. I’m so bad to say like this. What i’m interest into is English movie, drama, songs and English men!!! Hahahaha....
So far that’s what i observe lately. Even my sis and brother in law also notice the changes in me. My bro in law asked my sis: why suddenly i listen to Hitz fm instead of MY fm? Haha... very obvious, i would say. i listen to Hitz whenever i got the chance to.
Before i starting my university, i told myself not to let the history to haunt me. The history is the things happen in college. I want to be close with my new classmates. After 2 semesters, i still find myself the same. I don’t know many things about them because i didn’t join them very much. Usually after class, i didn’t join them to go out for dinner. I would go dinner with my same old schoolmates, instead. Everything was fine until kc going stop studying. That means i will only go dinner with scx and yhuoi. And they sometimes will left me out. Quite often they suddenly tell me they won’t have dinner with me. But luckily i have kc to accompany me to eat dinner. I now worrying how i gonna settle my dinner. Going out dinner alone?
On another case, i now hope my other male classmates to take 1 + 2. I hope they will leave me alone. Why i think like this? If they take 1 + 2, then i hope to get closer with the girls’ friends. If they go Aus earlier, i will not meet them. And they will not see me alone. I would worry if other people that i know see me alone. I so mind what others think of me. These worries would kill me or drive me crazy.
I now start to worry like hell. I know i shouldn’t be thinking like this, but i really can’t help it. What can make a person to gain his self-esteem? God, i really afraid. That’s so many things that i worried like hell. All is because my low self-esteem. I am aware of this. What can i do? I was born this way.
I really really hope that next year would be a better year for me. Thinking of the number of days left to 2010 is driving me crazy!! I really hope things will be smooth in the coming years. Years with less headache, less problems and most importantly free from any worries!!!
p.s. i still have low self-esteem and i don’t think there are any cures for this...
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