Expressing Negativities

I’m innocent and naive.

Thought of pouring all my negativities here would make my life better or at least not that bad. What’s even worse is that nobody comes to this blog and comment or at least advise me what to do to heal me.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i’ll be less worried the next day.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i’ll be stronger the next day.

I thought if i rant about how life treated me badly, i will not go through the whole process the next day.

I thought if i chant mantra, i’ll have smoother day.

How naive me to think about that.

I’ll be god-fearing. I’ll chant mantra. I’ll move on. I’ll be happy. I deserve to be happy!

Yar, emo right now. And i had dinner alone again. Wasn’t quite bad after all. Just that i keep on waiting for them and all i get is being rejected. That feeling of waiting so long and you didn’t get anything in the end is so disappointing. I think i kinda disappointed with them. Sometimes i don’t even know what to do. I have been thinking this non-stop - if i buy take out, then what happen if they ajak me? Should i go? If i don’t go, they won’t ask me again. But if i go, how about my take out?

I want to stop worrying but i just can’t help to think of it. it’s like a routine to me when dinnertime. In the day, i didn’t think about it. When class over, i’ll be worrying if i have anyone to eat dinner with? I’ll be waiting for the text. I’ll be praying and hoping they will text me for dinner. Although sometimes i try to be positive telling myself that they will accompany me for dinner. But reality is too harsh for me to face. I always left disappointed and alone.

Is it retribution? Is it he taking revenge? That’s all what i’ll think when they didn’t ajak me. They said they busy with their work, so no dinner with me. They still need to eat, wat. Can’t they just call me out? As if they are busy, they not going to eat at all? It’s obvious that they trying to abandon me or wat. See i’ll start blaming myself. Blaming why i treat sow so badly last time? And now he’s back for revenge!!

Maybe they are not up to it lah. Just that my naughty brain thinks too much. Think towards the negative side. I’ll sure go crazy if this continues. I’ll be depressed. And the next thing i know is i will have to consult a shrink. For example, just now, i try to laugh to divert my attention from that text. I try to make myself happy by thinking sweet and funny thing. I know it’s crazy. But to think again, i deserve to be happy!! Why should i be sad if i have no one to accompany me? I can still be happy alone. Many people, including me, will say alone is equals to sad. I don’t think that way. I won’t be happy even though i’m accompanied with many people. Because those people are people i don’t like or comfortable to be with.

I think for the rest of my semesters in here, i’ll be eating alone and i should be learning and mastering it now. Or may be i should be learning how to live alone.... i’ll be pouring my negativities here despite no readers. Even though i won’t feel better or stop worrying, i’ll just continue writing. Continuing writing emo posts till the not-so-emo days come back to me again... besides if i don’t rant here, i don’t have anyone else to talk to. Definitely not going to talk this to my parents; i don’t want them to worry though they will not care me.